Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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