Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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