it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
