only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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