Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
