I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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