If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
