the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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