i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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