its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm too high and old for this...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
