Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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