then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
