Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
