It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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