My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
