Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
