This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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