i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
