Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
