Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
