there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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