Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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