I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Duck Duck Cougar?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
