Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Vodka?
Forever.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
