Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
