no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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