The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
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take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My dad is sitting where you rode me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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