I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
