I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
