When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
