my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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