You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
