4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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