Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We're too hungover to prance.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
