My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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