Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Randomize
