Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
