This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
