Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
