Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
