i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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