I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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