all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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