My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize