I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
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