you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
As shirtless as possible
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
