I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize