So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
