Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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