my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
