you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
