my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
