just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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