You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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