I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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