Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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