My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
