i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I am naked and annoyed.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
