I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
